I guess we all don’t know what the future will bring to us, even if we think we do, we really are clueless in this world.
I know that my control on people and events is very limited, maybe non existent. and no matter how much we want to think we are in control of our destinies, the truth is that we aren’t. no one can argue that we didn’t choose the time or place of our birth, we had no say about existing here, and no say about ceasing to exist. we are born and develop and degenerate and wither and die, and we cant do anything about it.
humans especially in the modern civilization are getting arrogant, they like to think that they are the center of the universe and that all other creations are there to make their life easier and more convenient. amazing what we can do for convenience. but we all stand small when someone dies or a volcano erupts. i know i tried to assimilate to that way of thinking , but external bigger forces that all of us are laughing at me and proving to me that all these figures and equations mean nothing.
it really hit me hard even though I knew it in my heart, amazing how sometime we know things but we don’t believe them , the fact that I don’t know what the immediate future might bring drove me crazy. but why, who knows what is going to happen for them in 10 years, will they be dead or alive, will their loved ones exist? will their vision be there? their arms? their brain? if there is a fortune teller who would tell us step by step what will happen in our lives, the future will become meaningless and dull.
I had an interview last week and that went bad, and i was rejected, and that hurt me a lot. I felt that the luqma is right between my lips and then was withdrawn. sometimes i feel that the corporate bastard geeks are shaping my future, and sometimes I feel that love and ingenuity is not appreciated, only greed. i know that the people who actually changed the world and are remembered by history are the ones who cared and the ones who dared to be who they are really meant to be, the ones who refuse to assimilate.
sometimes I feel ashamed of getting caught in this cycle, and for being devastated by the fact that i was rejected by what I am not convinced of, just because that's where power or convenience lies. it is like being sad for loosing an abusive marriage. sometimes I am scared of being who i can really be because i know that involves struggle and pain, isn’t it sarcastic though that even when you want to conform you get rejected? maybe there is a lesson or a message there. sometimes I feel that I came in the wrong time or place, but when is the right time, and where is the right place.
I never been closer to god, I have to admit, I pray for serenity and total submission to the holy forces of the universe. I know I am not here on this universe by coincidence and without aim, and I know my existence isn’t about generating money for greedy people while wasting my aim and existence. I still don’t know exactly what to do , maybe I need to find out, or I will find out what is my path, I know I deserve nothing but the best, and the best is to realise my potential and aim, I know that's where happiness lies, maybe navigating through pain and instability and unknowingness is the way to knowingness.
i know that my fear is mainly is about losing my present and future but I will never lose those while I am alive, I might be in inconvenience, but i will be in my present and a moment away from the future. I know I fear losing my freedom but I guess that can never happen unless I decide to give it up, I think the only slave is the one who decides to hand over their freedom, I think freedom is like principles it is something in our hearts and minds, even if we were in a prison cell.
I might be nilophobic - (star trek term - fear of nothingness) , i might be scared to live outside the Borg of my Arab world or the corporate monster or some big impeding limiting structure . i am scared to live outside of the history , geography or time. I am afraid to loose myself to god and be just another creature.
This is a very humbling experience though, and I feel that my salvation will be when i get to that point where i am ready to loose myself to god and be totally accepting to the fact that i am part of the universal creation, not better or less. and the universal rules apply on me, and that the universe provides for me just like it provides for the butterfly or the bat or the snake. the universe- god- gives them exactly what they need to survive, the right color, the right shape, the right digestive system, puts them in the right environment, you never find a polar bear or a penguin in the desert, everything is so perfectly right for their survival, and then I will realize that god will also provide for my survival and whatever i need to 'be'. maybe I am transforming from a worm to a butterfly. maybe this is the pain of birth.
August 2001
