Indigenous men, women, children, grandmothers, white people, mixed people. A native boy called..., I forgot, some Arabic sounding name. Strange. My heart was heavy. I couldn't hold back my tears. I felt tremendous sadness. The sky started to cry. I was thankful. I felt less exposed. It rained good. My feet were wet. Cold and wet. I didn't like the feeling. I walked and walked. I saw my racism. I saw my ignorance. I saw many things on that day that I didn't see before.
A leftist ex-friend appeared. I hid behind people around me. No need. I couldn't handle the littlest thing. I hated the fact that he was there. I wished he would just vanish.
Drums, chanting, children, police, rain, dogs, colors, wet cold aching feet.
Brown people like me. I didn't see them before, not enough. The Palestinians of this land that I live on and love. I never took their permission to live on their homeland. The crown let me in, the queen seduced me with the Canadian dream. The Canadian illusion. The Canadian farce. The Canadian tragedy.
When I looked at your face I realized that my reality is nothing but a big fat lie. a sad joke.
I am not the Palestinian, you are.
I am an Israeli, a dark non Jew, a 3rd rate citizen of the Empire. Not a rebel. I was part of the machine for much longer and deeper than i thought. I was part of oppressing people just like me. I gave my days and nights to the racist empire .
I was the selfish one. Someone who applies different rules and standards on others but not on their own.
I looked at you and saw my pathetic truth, ugly truth, much uglier than I thought. Yet it was there all along. I couldn't see it. That is the ugliest part about this whole situation.
That I have been a house slave serving on the tables of the royalty. Pimping out my intellect. Prostituting my soul.
Stolen sisters. My sisters. They stole them? Who stole them? Why? I replaced the word indigenous with the word Palestinian. I felt deep grief and layers of shame. Shame of my littleness, smallness, years of blindness. 16 years. It took me 16 years to realize enough and feel enough to write this. Stupidity?! My ignorance was part of the problem. did I have to get kicked around this much to reach this realization? Wow, the stupidity. The slowness! Almost funny!
No one talked to me. Except the little native boy Malik, I think that was his name. A little puppy was friendly too. I cant expect the natives to be friendly. I don't deserve their friendliness. I am an imposter. If i was not, someone would've smiled at me, I am an imposter on both, black and white, I am not as brown as I thought. I'm not black or white either, of course. I felt green, like a martian, blue like sadness, I was walking inside a living 3d puzzle that was setup long time ago. I felt very short. I felt comically alone, surrounded by ghosts... bodies... human bags..
material creatures that are all disconnected from me. I floated above the ground like the spirit of the freshly dead.
I wasn't white or brown or black. I was grey, i was indigo.
Feb 28 maybe
