اليوم طبخت طبخة بتحدى اذا اي حدا طبخها قبلي

----- -------- TITLE: اليوم طبخت طبخة بتحدى اذا اي حدا طبخها قبلي DATE: 11/15/2006 00:39:52 اليوم طبخت طبخة بتحدى اذا اي حدا طبخها قبلي: mushrooms , mussles and water chestnuts cooked with cream of celery with cumin and زعتر i cooked rice and ate hem together. عن جد زاكي كتير كتير مش جاي عبالي أنام. امبارح نمت متأخرة وصحيت اليوم متأخرة وراح علي الباص. الوضع في الشغل already صعب tight deadlines, w nass waqfeenli 3aldaqra 3unsuriyeen bi7awlou inni ankash min el shughul. bad3i ydoukou illi dukto. el 3adalah el ilahiyya. i should be compassionate and ask for forgiveness for people who hurt me. i guess i am not that evolved yet. I just dont see why someone should get away with hurting someone really badly and just move on regularly with their life...and cause more and more hurt to more and more people as they go. they have to get some kind of suffering. musta3idda asame7 lakin lamma el li azani youtloub el samaa7 li2anno dameerou biwaj3o or that they feel that they really made a mistake .. at least they need to show some kind of remorse , say sorry, and promise to try not to do it again. Maybe that cant happen in the case of the work jerks. but I would expect that from friends and family. People whose egos are too big for an apology when they hurt someone are called jerks in my dictionary. egotistic people who think they are above apologizing. If I feel someone is really sorry I am willing to forgive , I can forgive really big things and get above bad hurt. but it takes 2 to tango. otherwise i would be acting as a doormat. One thing that bugs me is rudeness and the inability to recognize that one has been rude or inconsiderate. and then follow that with the arrogance of not admitting that one has been rude , and ignoring the fact that they caused damage. They need to take a real honest look at themselves and act . they need to take the responsibility. Big egos... I cant stand people with big egos. By the way , they often are covering up for really poor self esteem. ew

Reflections - written 10 years ago!

I guess we all don’t know what the future will bring to us, even if we think we do, we really are clueless in this world. 

I know that my control on people and events is very limited, maybe non existent. and no matter how much we want to think we are in control of our destinies, the truth is that we aren’t. no one can argue that we didn’t choose the time or place of our birth, we had no say about existing here, and no say about ceasing to exist. we are born and develop and degenerate and wither and die, and we cant do anything about it. 

humans especially in the modern civilization are getting arrogant, they like to think that they are the center of the universe and that all other creations are there to make their life easier and more convenient. amazing what we can do for convenience. but we all stand small when someone dies or a volcano erupts. i know i tried to assimilate to that way of thinking , but external bigger forces that all of us are laughing at me and proving to me that all these figures and equations mean nothing. 

it really hit me hard even though I knew it in my heart, amazing how sometime we know things but we don’t believe them , the fact that I don’t know what the immediate future might bring drove me crazy. but why, who knows what is going to happen for them in 10 years, will they be dead or alive, will their loved ones exist? will their vision be there? their arms? their brain? if there is a fortune teller who would tell us step by step what will happen in our lives, the future will become meaningless and dull. 

I had an interview last week and that went bad, and i was rejected, and that hurt me a lot. I felt that the luqma is right between my lips and then was withdrawn. sometimes i feel that the corporate bastard geeks are shaping my future, and sometimes I feel that love and ingenuity is not appreciated, only greed. i know that the people who actually changed the world and are remembered by history are the ones who cared and the ones who dared to be who they are really meant to be, the ones who refuse to assimilate. 

sometimes I feel ashamed of getting caught in this cycle, and for being devastated by the fact that i was rejected by what I am not convinced of, just because that's where power or convenience lies. it is like being sad for loosing an abusive marriage. sometimes I am scared of being who i can really be because i know that involves struggle and pain, isn’t it sarcastic though that even when you want to conform you get rejected? maybe there is a lesson or a message there. sometimes I feel that I came in the wrong time or place, but when is the right time, and where is the right place. 

I never been closer to god, I have to admit, I pray for serenity and total submission to the holy forces of the universe. I know I am not here on this universe by coincidence and without aim, and I know my existence isn’t about generating money for greedy people while wasting my aim and existence. I still don’t know exactly what to do , maybe I need to find out, or I will find out what is my path, I know I deserve nothing but the best, and the best is to realise my potential and aim, I know that's where happiness lies, maybe navigating through pain and instability and unknowingness is the way to knowingness. 

i know that my fear is mainly is about losing my present and future but I will never lose those while I am alive, I might be in inconvenience, but i will be in my present and a moment away from the future. I know I fear losing my freedom but I guess that can never happen unless I decide to give it up, I think the only slave is the one who decides to hand over their freedom, I think freedom is like principles it is something in our hearts and minds, even if we were in a prison cell. 

I might be nilophobic - (star trek term - fear of nothingness) , i might be scared to live outside the Borg of my Arab world or the corporate monster or some big impeding limiting structure . i am scared to live outside of the history , geography or time. I am afraid to loose myself to god and be just another creature. 

This is a very humbling experience though, and I feel that my salvation will be when i get to that point where i am ready to loose myself to god and be totally accepting to the fact that i am part of the universal creation, not better or less. and the universal rules apply on me, and that the universe provides for me just like it provides for the butterfly or the bat or the snake. the universe- god- gives them exactly what they need to survive, the right color, the right shape, the right digestive system, puts them in the right environment, you never find a polar bear or a penguin in the desert, everything is so perfectly right for their survival, and then I will realize that god will also provide for my survival and whatever i need to 'be'. maybe I am transforming from a worm to a butterfly. maybe this is the pain of birth.

August 2001

The 'Other'

can you see my colours?
can you not see my colour?

can you see me colourless?
can you hear?
are you listening?
I am you not the other

look! I am white like you
jewish like you
a man like you
look well and you'll see

we are no different
I'm not the other
you are not the other

let me love you
allow yourself to love me back
life is slipping quickly , love me
you fade as I fade..
I am not brown or pink
I am a fetus
can I go back
to the warmth of the womb?
please come in
I am your fetus
your new born
I have no concept of time and space
of nations and divorces
what is conflict??

please don't see me as a colour
don't shove me into your categoties
see ME
can you try?
see me without your conditioning
and your CNN
I am you, you see
when you make me the other you become the other.
what about the trees , the flowers
what about our love
and that burning need to connect
hardwired in our systems
that inherent longing
mine and yours
our eternal unresolved issues
mine and yours

connect
talk
love
allow yourself
the world is falling apart, come
come lets talk hope
our world..
our lives…
your heart and mine
my freedom and yours
the culture of the future
we are the only hope
we are Truth
let me hold you and love you
see me
dont think of yourself as the other

when I try to open up to you
my tongue gets tied
fearing you
lets talk with no words
can you look into my eyes?
right into my soul?
and show me yours?

is that too scary?

San Francisco , 2001

I am Nobody Bint* Nobody

I am Nobody Bint* Nobody

My mother is an anonymous fallaha*
My father is a simple guy, part of the land.
No, you won’t know my family name.
No we don’t have relatives who are famous
But I am the people who make the history.
I come from the village
From the refugee camp
I am not a 'professional' - whatever that means.
I have a PHD from life and oppression
No, I don’t know where Stanford is
No, I don’t want to be part of a community that classifies me according to my religion or my family name or how much money I make
No I am not willing to climb the ivory tower of yours.
You come down here if you want the truth.
Come listen to the stories of the people - from the people

* Bint : daughter
* Fallaha : peasant woman

San Francisco- 2000

My third anniversary in Canada

Celebrating my anniversary
Three years  I’ve been in 'your' land
my new 'home'

Have you ever been in dream?
where you know it's a dream
and whatever happens doesn’t make a difference
cause you'll wake up and the dream will be over
beauty and fear and love is not real
just a dream
Have you ever found the magic lamp?
and rubbed it and got the genie
but you couldn’t think of anything to wish for
cause life has lost its contrast
cause nothing can revive your dead heart

Feels like thirty years
It's weird, the transformation
I watch myself live, and do things
like watching a soap opera on TV
I watch me make objects
and work and sleep
I sometimes feel sorry for that character
but I am mostly indifferent

Someone built a time machine
and I the adventurous wanted to test it out
the machine ran out of gas
I got stuck between two worlds
I shattered into 30 million pieces
they spread over the empty space
they float between the planets
aimless
feeding on patience
from music
and poetry
I carve my fingerprints on pieces of wood..
and I watch me...

Ottawa -  1999