تلج تلج عم بتشتي الدنيي تلج....

تلج تلج عم بتشتي الدنيي تلج

 

Yes... beautiful snow, clean, fluffy , gently falling, white ma a7lah
Yes snow , here in Victoria !!
2nd time we get real snow since I moved here 5 years ago.
Reminded me of Ottawa w ayyam Ottawa. I actually missed the snow.
This weekend is good. I managed to get at least 3/4 of what I have decided to do which is not bad at all.  Dick -(what a name , eh?)� the play director really liked the music I compiled for the play.. he even suggested that at the end of the play maybe we can make copies and give them to the cast as souvenirs. I thought that is a cool idea. I was flattered
Today I had a massage .. my God so much pain is stored all over my muscles. The therapist was really good and deep. spiritual and grounded. She told me about the emotions stored in the body - I actually asked her first - basically in the shoulders and upper back .. there is anger, in the lower back , financial fear.. no wonder . We had a very important conversation. I felt she was reading my mind. I am in pain because I am not acting with integrity, that is the truth. I am not being who i need to be or doing what i need to do, fear is holding me back . I told her sometimes i feel like i sold my soul to the corporation again, I am a mental prostitute. selling my brain to the highest bidder.
she also told me that the more i think of what i dont want to the more it happens and she told me to check out the movie : the secret
wow.. she told me exactly what i needed to hear , we talked about my audio engineering passion. I know this is what i need to do . how and when is the question.
I did some serious job hunting today , fixed up a killer resume , updated my training record and send my resume to 3 recruiters that have contacted me . 2 of them have interesting positions and they are in the bay area and here. i am of course still all over the place i know. but i will get more together, i see it hapening, i am meditating now, doing visualization, getting my stuff done, cooking for myself, keeping up with my chores basically.. that is good. shatra.
I want to follow the path of my least resistance. Ma biddi adall akhbout rassi bil7eit. do things the right time instead of freaking out and forcing my mind over my head. i want to be one, mind, heart and soul.
I want to see 'the sercet' . I didnt find it on limewire to download. I didnt find it in the video store next to my place either. I decided i will pay 5 USD and see it online. the trailer is mighty impressive. i cant wait,. it is now 4:35 am ya3ni kteer mit2akhkher and the movie is 90 minutes long. I dont want to fall asleep during the show... yalla a7sanlee arou7 anaam.
fi ishi 3ajeeb beseerli , kul ma baaji anaam bajoou3, I think my body is mixing up my needs. when i'm sleepy i go hungry, when i am sad i become hungry, when i am hungry i become sad... strange stuff .. wallahi ana marrat kteer ba7ayyirni...
you know what is funny , people in the street where in a very good mood , people were smilling and saying hi :) . i think the new fresh snow has a way of bringing out the happy children in all of us (or most of us)�

اليوم طبخت طبخة بتحدى اذا اي حدا طبخها قبلي

----- -------- TITLE: اليوم طبخت طبخة بتحدى اذا اي حدا طبخها قبلي DATE: 11/15/2006 00:39:52 اليوم طبخت طبخة بتحدى اذا اي حدا طبخها قبلي: mushrooms , mussles and water chestnuts cooked with cream of celery with cumin and زعتر i cooked rice and ate hem together. عن جد زاكي كتير كتير مش جاي عبالي أنام. امبارح نمت متأخرة وصحيت اليوم متأخرة وراح علي الباص. الوضع في الشغل already صعب tight deadlines, w nass waqfeenli 3aldaqra 3unsuriyeen bi7awlou inni ankash min el shughul. bad3i ydoukou illi dukto. el 3adalah el ilahiyya. i should be compassionate and ask for forgiveness for people who hurt me. i guess i am not that evolved yet. I just dont see why someone should get away with hurting someone really badly and just move on regularly with their life...and cause more and more hurt to more and more people as they go. they have to get some kind of suffering. musta3idda asame7 lakin lamma el li azani youtloub el samaa7 li2anno dameerou biwaj3o or that they feel that they really made a mistake .. at least they need to show some kind of remorse , say sorry, and promise to try not to do it again. Maybe that cant happen in the case of the work jerks. but I would expect that from friends and family. People whose egos are too big for an apology when they hurt someone are called jerks in my dictionary. egotistic people who think they are above apologizing. If I feel someone is really sorry I am willing to forgive , I can forgive really big things and get above bad hurt. but it takes 2 to tango. otherwise i would be acting as a doormat. One thing that bugs me is rudeness and the inability to recognize that one has been rude or inconsiderate. and then follow that with the arrogance of not admitting that one has been rude , and ignoring the fact that they caused damage. They need to take a real honest look at themselves and act . they need to take the responsibility. Big egos... I cant stand people with big egos. By the way , they often are covering up for really poor self esteem. ew

Reflections - written 10 years ago!

I guess we all don’t know what the future will bring to us, even if we think we do, we really are clueless in this world. 

I know that my control on people and events is very limited, maybe non existent. and no matter how much we want to think we are in control of our destinies, the truth is that we aren’t. no one can argue that we didn’t choose the time or place of our birth, we had no say about existing here, and no say about ceasing to exist. we are born and develop and degenerate and wither and die, and we cant do anything about it. 

humans especially in the modern civilization are getting arrogant, they like to think that they are the center of the universe and that all other creations are there to make their life easier and more convenient. amazing what we can do for convenience. but we all stand small when someone dies or a volcano erupts. i know i tried to assimilate to that way of thinking , but external bigger forces that all of us are laughing at me and proving to me that all these figures and equations mean nothing. 

it really hit me hard even though I knew it in my heart, amazing how sometime we know things but we don’t believe them , the fact that I don’t know what the immediate future might bring drove me crazy. but why, who knows what is going to happen for them in 10 years, will they be dead or alive, will their loved ones exist? will their vision be there? their arms? their brain? if there is a fortune teller who would tell us step by step what will happen in our lives, the future will become meaningless and dull. 

I had an interview last week and that went bad, and i was rejected, and that hurt me a lot. I felt that the luqma is right between my lips and then was withdrawn. sometimes i feel that the corporate bastard geeks are shaping my future, and sometimes I feel that love and ingenuity is not appreciated, only greed. i know that the people who actually changed the world and are remembered by history are the ones who cared and the ones who dared to be who they are really meant to be, the ones who refuse to assimilate. 

sometimes I feel ashamed of getting caught in this cycle, and for being devastated by the fact that i was rejected by what I am not convinced of, just because that's where power or convenience lies. it is like being sad for loosing an abusive marriage. sometimes I am scared of being who i can really be because i know that involves struggle and pain, isn’t it sarcastic though that even when you want to conform you get rejected? maybe there is a lesson or a message there. sometimes I feel that I came in the wrong time or place, but when is the right time, and where is the right place. 

I never been closer to god, I have to admit, I pray for serenity and total submission to the holy forces of the universe. I know I am not here on this universe by coincidence and without aim, and I know my existence isn’t about generating money for greedy people while wasting my aim and existence. I still don’t know exactly what to do , maybe I need to find out, or I will find out what is my path, I know I deserve nothing but the best, and the best is to realise my potential and aim, I know that's where happiness lies, maybe navigating through pain and instability and unknowingness is the way to knowingness. 

i know that my fear is mainly is about losing my present and future but I will never lose those while I am alive, I might be in inconvenience, but i will be in my present and a moment away from the future. I know I fear losing my freedom but I guess that can never happen unless I decide to give it up, I think the only slave is the one who decides to hand over their freedom, I think freedom is like principles it is something in our hearts and minds, even if we were in a prison cell. 

I might be nilophobic - (star trek term - fear of nothingness) , i might be scared to live outside the Borg of my Arab world or the corporate monster or some big impeding limiting structure . i am scared to live outside of the history , geography or time. I am afraid to loose myself to god and be just another creature. 

This is a very humbling experience though, and I feel that my salvation will be when i get to that point where i am ready to loose myself to god and be totally accepting to the fact that i am part of the universal creation, not better or less. and the universal rules apply on me, and that the universe provides for me just like it provides for the butterfly or the bat or the snake. the universe- god- gives them exactly what they need to survive, the right color, the right shape, the right digestive system, puts them in the right environment, you never find a polar bear or a penguin in the desert, everything is so perfectly right for their survival, and then I will realize that god will also provide for my survival and whatever i need to 'be'. maybe I am transforming from a worm to a butterfly. maybe this is the pain of birth.

August 2001

The 'Other'

can you see my colours?
can you not see my colour?

can you see me colourless?
can you hear?
are you listening?
I am you not the other

look! I am white like you
jewish like you
a man like you
look well and you'll see

we are no different
I'm not the other
you are not the other

let me love you
allow yourself to love me back
life is slipping quickly , love me
you fade as I fade..
I am not brown or pink
I am a fetus
can I go back
to the warmth of the womb?
please come in
I am your fetus
your new born
I have no concept of time and space
of nations and divorces
what is conflict??

please don't see me as a colour
don't shove me into your categoties
see ME
can you try?
see me without your conditioning
and your CNN
I am you, you see
when you make me the other you become the other.
what about the trees , the flowers
what about our love
and that burning need to connect
hardwired in our systems
that inherent longing
mine and yours
our eternal unresolved issues
mine and yours

connect
talk
love
allow yourself
the world is falling apart, come
come lets talk hope
our world..
our lives…
your heart and mine
my freedom and yours
the culture of the future
we are the only hope
we are Truth
let me hold you and love you
see me
dont think of yourself as the other

when I try to open up to you
my tongue gets tied
fearing you
lets talk with no words
can you look into my eyes?
right into my soul?
and show me yours?

is that too scary?

San Francisco , 2001

I am Nobody Bint* Nobody

I am Nobody Bint* Nobody

My mother is an anonymous fallaha*
My father is a simple guy, part of the land.
No, you won’t know my family name.
No we don’t have relatives who are famous
But I am the people who make the history.
I come from the village
From the refugee camp
I am not a 'professional' - whatever that means.
I have a PHD from life and oppression
No, I don’t know where Stanford is
No, I don’t want to be part of a community that classifies me according to my religion or my family name or how much money I make
No I am not willing to climb the ivory tower of yours.
You come down here if you want the truth.
Come listen to the stories of the people - from the people

* Bint : daughter
* Fallaha : peasant woman

San Francisco- 2000