555

Album: Poly Tix
Track name : 555
by Lubzi

What is relevant?

Freedom is relevant
Justice is relevant
Healing & peace are relevant
Mindfulness & compassion are relevant
Truth is relevant
Palestine and music
Childhood and dance
Poetry and building bridges
These are what's relevant
Not our little popcorn egos...

Irrelevant

I wrote you letters
But I didn't send them
Because I am irrelevant
You are irrelevant
It's all irrelevant

Halfass compassion

Seriously, I don't need your halfass compassion. We don't need your halfass compassion. You don't want to seem biased, you don't want to take sides. By doing that you are already taking sides. It means you don't care to know the story, who is the criminal and who is the victim. You don't believe Arabs anyway. You think we are bullshitters. Zionists are the biggest bullshitters, but you don't have any problem listening to their stories, even believing they are god's chosen ones.
I don't want to hear your halfass compassion talk, where you equate the criminal with the victim of the crime. You wish for them 'to stop' and work things out. As if they are equal or as if this is a war. I won't explain because I know you don't want to hear. Why would you? Some brown people in a far away place, you're used to that. Our brown lives are cheap to you.
You think you don't have a responsibility in the injustice? Think again. But if you we're smart enough you would know how things are interconnected and will be able to compute your karma accurately. And will be diligently cleaning it. But you are not smart. Your brain is maybe smart but your heart is not. You are racist. I am your friend yet it doesn't matter what I tell you about this just cause, my just cause. Something I was born into and grew up into. Military occupation. Zionist crimes...
I know you for many many years, why don't you want to hear my story? Why don't you want to believe my story? Because you are a racist. My story for you is worthless, irrelevant, not worth hearing.
Keep your halfass compassion to yourself. Don't poison me with your white virtue. I know you inside out, you know why? Because unlike you, I am curious, I care for you as a human, I want to hear your story. But you, you only know you, the rest is all bullshit you buy from your mind handlers, your brain programmers.
I suggest you take your halfass compassion and shove it. No need for fake goodness.
I do feel sorry for you. Honestly.
I wish you'd wake up & heal.

A bridge

I am a bridge builder
I am a bridge;
A bridge
Between the past and the present
Between the east and west
Between cultures
Between female and male
Between those fighting
Between spirit and material reality.
I want to connect everyone and everything.
Every time and every place.
Every culture and every mind.
Every heart and every soul.

The Time is Now

She couldn't handle the situation, she needed help. I flew to where she was and helped her. 

She was going through her mother's stuff, her dead mother. She didnt have a good relationship with her mother, just like the relationship she had with her daughter; bad. Three generations of dysfunctionality.

By the time I arrived, she was already drained. unable to do much. I felt sorry for her. She was sad. I helped. I gave her all my energy and attention. I cleaned and cleared and packed. I felt her mother's spirit right there with me as I put away her clothes and perfumes and makeup ... and washed her dishes. I cleared and cleaned her cupboards and closets. All the stuff she never used, she didn't have the chance to use. Stuff she thought she would use for sure. I was clearing her traces from this world, tearing down what was left. I had very intense feelings. I didn't know the dead mother but I felt very close to her. There was a picture of the 3 of them, my friend, her daughter and her mother. The picture got stuck in my mind. The 3 of them are extremely beautiful. They were gorgeous. No wonder why they had a history in showbiz and Hollywood. They also were supreme divas.

Yesterday, I found a piece of paper that I kept it all these years, the only material reminder of this event. It was among the dead mother's stuff. She kept it carefully in a special place. It seems she had it for a while, the paper was almost yellow. It was cut out from a newspaper. Here is what it says:

The Time is Now (Author unknown)

If you are ever going to love me,
Love me now, while I can know
The sweet and tender feelings
Which from true affections flow.
Love me now.
Do not wait until I'm gone
And then have it
Chiseled in marble,
Sweet words on ice cold stone.
If you have tender thoughts of me
Please tell me now.
If you wait until I am sleeping
Never to awaken,
There will be death between us
And I won't hear you then.
So, if you love me, even a little bit,
Let me know it while I am living
So I can treasure it.

الفلم the bardo

نعم .. الحياة فلم... فلم فقلب فلم في قلب فلم

متل الملفوفة... غريب اسمها ملفوفة قبل ما تنلف

the bardo of samsara

the bardo is a transition 

between realms

between samsara and rebirthh

the 7 levels of existence are all bardos

the lower : cold hell... hot hell... hungry ghost... animal realm, 

the higher : human realm, angry gods and jealous gods 

human is the best rebirth because it's the only one that gives an opportunity of liberation 

from samsara.

but in the one lifetime I am aware of

this one , 

I experienced all the 7 realms ,
I jumped from bardo to another, I still do, 

sometimes I am a hungry ghost, unable to fill the void inside

sometimes I am in the cold hell of  unlove,
sometimes I am in the hot hell of anger

sometimes I am a mindless animal

sometimes, I am a mindful human

I've been in the realms of the gods , 

i struggle with the lower realms

i keep falling there but manage to drag myself out

i hope i can always bring myself back to being human   

with ease and joy 

successfully

i also experienced death and rebirth in this lifetime, in this body,

this body isnt the same as the one i came in

my voice isnt the same

my size is much bigger
the difference is big

is that food?

or is that me?

who is me?

i watched myself die many many times in this life

jumped from one life to another

like there's no tomorrow

because if there is no tomorrow

we'd do the wildest things

what is the wildest thing?

beginnings?

change?

endings?

so the heartache bardo 

when will that movie finish?

it is not the most pleasant

but maybe  because i wish to stay in the human realm

i get this heart training

stretching

i have a lot to learn about love and compassion

If I want to stay human

because "human" means compassion

and love is the answer

bla bla bla .....

بس في النهاية
السؤال اللي بيطرح نفسه
 ايمتي رح يتوقف الالم؟
هل رح يتوقف الالم؟

شو لزومه؟
اجباري؟
اختياري؟

you cant live all your lives at the same time, one has to go to make room for another
you wont get reborn if you don't die first
die
die
DIE
enough suffering already

it's a shame

how can those who were so close

become so far?

how can that which was very hot

cool off

how can a life disappear?

how can love disappear?

how can the whole thing end

as if nothing ever happened?

مركز العالم

انا مركز العالم
وين ما بروح
مركز الكون بيروح معي

انت مركز عالمك
شو بدي في عالمك
عالمي معي
ومركز الكون عندي
وين ما بروح
بيروح معي

ما في انا

ما في انا
في إحنا
انا هو إحنا
انا هي إحنا
اذا ما في انا
وبس في إحنا
إحنا كلنا كلنا
ولا في انت ولا انتي
ولا هي ولا هو
بس إحنا
إحنا كلنا كلنا
ساعتها
ما في جرح
ولا في الم
ولا في قلق
لأننا ساعتها
بنكون قلب واحد
وايد واحدة
كلنا كلنا
وِحدة واحدة












اذا

Free spirits

Free spirits
transcend* time and place


* Transcend : to rise above 
                      or go beyond 
                      the limits of

El Hara (the neighborhood) الحارة

حلوا عني Get off my back

مهم

ما لازم ننسى

مين جرح مين

ومين هجر مين

ومين اللي خان الوعد

ومين اللي كسر العهد

ومين اللي راح وما عاد رجع

ومين اللي اتخلى عن مين في الأزمات

ومين اللي حطم احلام مين

ومين اللي خبط بالصرماية على قلب مين

مش انا اللي

مش انا اللي

Let's do it

Together
We were supposed to create
Something great
So let's do it now
Before it's too late

Reasons

Does it matter if I knew why you did what you did or didn't do what you were supposed to? Why you changed so much so fast..
Should it matter why?
Does it matter if I knew the real reasons or not. Is it even possible for me to ever really know the real reasons? If you tell me the real reasons would I believe you? Does it matter if I conclude your reasons or invent them?
No. I will never really know. Only you know.. And it doesn't matter. because to you, I don't matter. Only you matter.

تغيير

برمي حالي في حضن فلسطين.... وبشوف شو بيصير

اكيد ما بيصير غير كل خير

Chemical Taqseem Lami

Lubzi Music (playlist)

حنين

I do miss you...
But what difference does it make?

سؤال

كيف يعني خَلَص؟

كيف يعني خَلَص؟

شو تعلمت

تعلّمت احضر دفاعي

بشكل واعي

انقّي كلامي

زي المحامي

أتجاهل أحلامي

اداري الأمي

اخبي الواني

اخبي أقلامي

Don't you ever take back the love

Don't you ever take back the love
It's a crime
It's the cruelest thing
To give your love
Then change your mind
Close all doors
Slam them in my face
Don't you ever take back the love
You'd be a criminal
If there's a slight chance
that one day
you may
Take back the love
And leave me
cold and sad
Then please
Now
Go away
Disappear
Vanish
And never come back

Hishshik Bishshik هشك بشك

Summertime - Louis Armstrong & Ella Fitzgerald - Remix by Lubzi

The Gap

I use too many words,
you use too little..
I'm brown you're white
I'm female your male
I'm down here
you're up there
I suffer unlove and lack,
you enjoy popularity and abundance,

you're famous.

me...
I'm forgotten,
My body and heart
are heavy with pain,
you...
you play music.
I'm from one planet
and you're from another
No wonder why
we can't have a dialogue.
The distance .. The gap..
This is logical.
It is logical that any conversation between us
is doomed to fail.
Power differential
is not something that should be ignored
It is not something that can be ignored
It affects everything.
it sets the tone.
It decides priorities.
It decides protocol and process
and topics of interest
and just about everything.
As long as a power gap exists,
You will not hear me
And I will not respect you
so please
don't talk about justice
just shut up
enjoy your privilege
and shut up

هاي اللحظة

هاي اللحظة

بعد لحظة

بتبقى وهم

 بالنسبة لبكرا

مجرد ذكرى

بنصنعها هلّا

الحب ما بيموت love doesn't die

الحب ما بيموت

ما بَصَدِّق

الحب الصادق ما بيموت

بيتراكم عليه زفته وخرى

ووجع قلب

وجروح

بس يموت؟ مستحيل

اذا مات يعني ما كان موجود

الحب هو كل شي

كيف ممكن كل شي يموت

مستحيل

الحب هو اللي بيعطي معنى للحياة

وطعم

مستحيل يتبخر في الهوا

متل الكذب

متل الوهم

يصبح عدم

But we are now total strangers

We are not friends , never in touch

I look your name up online out of curiosity.

You seem happy, healthy and successful

You have your own safe comfortable world

which I'm not part of

In which I never stepped

Of which I know nothing

And I'm a total stranger to you

You seem to have love and luck too

I wonder if I ever occur to you

Maybe when you listen to music I played once with you

Maybe when you hear a song you shared with me

or maybe never

I'm happy you're doing well

I still don't understand

How can this happen?

I don't think it's right

How does love die

Just like that?

Was it really love?

if it was

it wouldn't have died.

اكبر لغز

اكبر لغز

لما الحب

 ...يتحول لخرى

في لحظة ونص

A word I'm trying to find

I'm trying hard to find the word that describes how I see people who behave in a certain way: i met one the other day, she embodied what i'm trying to describe:
She acts with entitlement, you can see it in her body language, her voice, she takes a lot of space. She seems hungry for attention. She accuses the others of all her issues. She is a bully yet she claims to be the biggest victim, and declares it, she would push and bully you because you must believe it. You must agree with her. You have to feed the comical picture of her perfection. She manipulates and power trips. She claims to be the advocate of justice, she patronizes and attacks and insults then cries claiming she is the one that got attacked. Wtf.
She is constantly - non stop- displaying her goodness, she seems driven to establish that she is the most virtuous.
She is the most everything good. She is the most sensitive, the most loving most right most fair most victim most suffering most good most not bad most anything that will attract positive attention. She is vicious in protecting this comical pictures of herself.

Self centered with a huge cloud of ignorance & arrogance - is there a word to describe that?
Conceited? Delusional? Illusional?

Je ne t'aimes pas - Remix by Lubzi

Here comes the rain again - Remix by Lubzi

Feat. The Eurythmics + DJ Suco

Elliladi (Tonight's the night) الليلة دي

Chemical Taqseem Lami

.
Featuring: Uboothiey taqseem Lami by Mohammad Al-Gubbenchi (Iraq 1928) and The Big Jump by Chemical Brothers.

Album: Till Your Ears Bleed - Track : Wako

Good news!

West Bank Stories, A Childhood in Bethlehem, Palestine is now available in PDF format - you can buy it here!

فوائد الفشل

فوائد الفشل: 

بيرد العين

وبيحمي من الغرور

بيقضي علي توقعات الاخرين

العالية

بيكشف الأصحاب الفالصو

 وكل اللي بيتملقوا

والمتسلقين الكذابين. 

الفشل 

بيعطي الواحد تحدي محرز

بعد القاع  

ما في غير اعلى

لكن بعد القمة 

ما في غير اوطى

الفشل زي حريق الغابة

بينظف 

زي مطر الشتا

بيغسل

بيشيل الوسخ

وبيعلم درس

بخلي الواحد يكتشف 

اهم اشي

ان االلي بيحب حد بعَبَله

وكسله وهَبَله

وفَشَله

 هاد هو الحب الحقيقي. 

جربها 

نصيحة

بين فترة وفترة

اخسر

افشل

شوف مين  بيضل

غربل 

غربل

افشل

فلس

امرض 

إوقَع

بهدل حالك 

منيح منيح اتبهدل

شوف مين بيبقى 

جد جرب 

شوية فشل 

مش غلط

بيخلي الواحد يعرف جوهره

ويلمس طاقته الكامنة

الفشل تجربة

نيشان 

خبرة

بس بدك اللي يفهم

بس الفهمان

هو اللي بيدرك

وبيحترم

هدية الفشل

وبيستقبلها 

بكل حب 

وشكر

وامتتنان كمان

بشفق عليهم

الحلوين 

والأغنياء 

والكتير الناجحين 

ما بيعرفوا مين 

من اللي حَولهم

جد بيحبهم

مش بيحب الجمال

والا طامع

 في النفوذ او المال 

ولما يذوب الحلا

ويزول العز

المعزّة كمان بتروح معها

الكلمة

لكل كلمة
تاريخ وقصة

الواقع ام الخيال؟

ليش الواحد احسنلو يعيش على ذكرى حب فاشل من انه يعيش حب حقيقي على ارض الواقع؟
لأن ذكرى الحب الوهمي ما بتنتهى..
لان الخيال لا نهائي وبلا حدود..
بس الواقع محدود..
الحقيقة بتتغير.. والواقع بيتغير...
والناس بتتغير.. والحب بيتغير...
الواحد اثبت له يعشق صورة في خياله..
او فكرة في باله...
صوت سمعه في زمان ماضي..
إحساس قديم لما كان جديد
مش حب شخص معين بالتحديد
احسن من حب مش مضمون
مع الغامض المجهول
في الواقع ال مش مأمون.

ضد التيار

مش بكيفي ولا اختيار

مضطرة أسبح ضد التيّار

لأن التيّار ظالم

ماشي عكس ما لازم

Status of my book

I have been focused on publishing my book as an eBook first. The paper book cost is more and the process seemed more complicated than publishing it as an eBook. After a lot of research, I decided to publish on Smashwords, the leading eBook publishers. My book contains many color pictures and a few tables and appendices which, I discovered, makes it complicated to format. I tried to get a quote from a 'proffessional' formatter but he told me my book is considered too complicated and will need more expertise, which costs a lot more than what is not too far from the standard. Right now I'm in the middle of formatting the book so that it is not too complicated and closer to 'the standard'. I'm reducing the size of the pictures and applying some of the Smashwords formatting standards. My goal is to then hire a formatter to finish the job because it is complicated and I don't understand it well. It would take me time to learn also how to do it even if I figure it all out. When I am clearer on the costs involved, I plan to fund-raise online to cover all the publishing costs. I first need to have an idea how much money I need to get the job done.
Formatting is not one of my favorite activities, so things are taking their time. I also realized the editing/proofreading needs a bit more. The editor did a good job but missed a few things, it seems. I'm now looking for someone to take a look and catch what the editor missed.
The details are overwhelming. Instead of stressing because things aren't going as fast as I would like them to, I decided to relax as things flow as they need to.

هاي مش ارض

هاي مش ارض

هاي ظهور وبطون وصدور بشر هاي

مش ارض

زي ناس عايشة في جزيرة

بيفلحوا وبيزرعوا وبيقلعوا

وفي يوم كل الدنيا بتتحرك بعنف

لأ مش زلزال

لا هاي الهزة العنيفة زلزال...

ولا هاي الجزيرة جزيرة..

هاي حوت كبير كتير

عمره آلاف السنين

وصحي

How to score big on the power abuse charts even if you have very littlepower and privilige?

- Find someone much worst off than you who desperately needs help you can provide.
- offer the help and give a million assurances that you are the one who can help and support and solve the problems.
- be extra friendly, maybe even give gifts to this person
- as they grab onto the rope and start climbing , poor oil all over them. Make it all slippery. Then cut the rope. Then blame the person for not grabbing soon or strong or well enough. Blame them for being in the well and staying in the well and wasting the precious opportunity to be saved by you.
Don't forget to show your anger at the person and ensure they know what a looser they are.

25-Dec 2011

A realization

My illusion of freedom
Clouded my mind
I couldn't see
That I was just another house slave
I was no longer the field slave I was before
I was a domestic slave in the house of racism
Serving the queen of materialism
Empowering every evil
Helping crush my own bones

Feb 26

Dr Dr

Dr Dr
She acts as if she owns truth. Like she knows my body and owns it. Like she knows me more than I know me. Like I owe her. Like I have to listen and follow her opinions.
Mad woman.
Someone tell her to fuck off.
But she is a Dr!
Dr Dr..
Just because you have 2 letters before your name you think that makes you better, more relevant? Your opinions more valid? Your truth more real?
You think 2 letters before your name give you power over others?
You think 2 letters before your name give you power to decide who heals and who stays in pain,
Who lives and who dies?
Who do you think you are?
Dr ultimate
Dr perfect
Dr power trip
Dr God...
I declare my defiance
Fuck your throne
Dr fake
Dr pharma agent
Do you realize you hold the corrupt system together?
Dr Dumb ass


>= Feb 17

Stolen sisters

Indigenous men, women, children, grandmothers, white people, mixed people. A native boy called..., I forgot, some Arabic sounding name. Strange. My heart was heavy. I couldn't hold back my tears. I felt tremendous sadness. The sky started to cry. I was thankful. I felt less exposed. It rained good. My feet were wet. Cold and wet. I didn't like the feeling. I walked and walked. I saw my racism. I saw my ignorance. I saw many things on that day that I didn't see before.
A leftist ex-friend appeared. I hid behind people around me. No need. I couldn't handle the littlest thing. I hated the fact that he was there. I wished he would just vanish.
Drums, chanting, children, police, rain, dogs, colors, wet cold aching feet.
Brown people like me. I didn't see them before, not enough. The Palestinians of this land that I live on and love. I never took their permission to live on their homeland. The crown let me in, the queen seduced me with the Canadian dream. The Canadian illusion. The Canadian farce. The Canadian tragedy.

When I looked at your face I realized that my reality is nothing but a big fat lie. a sad joke.
I am not the Palestinian, you are.
I am an Israeli, a dark non Jew, a 3rd rate citizen of the Empire. Not a rebel. I was part of the machine for much longer and deeper than i thought. I was part of oppressing people just like me. I gave my days and nights to the racist empire .
I was the selfish one. Someone who applies different rules and standards on others but not on their own.
I looked at you and saw my pathetic truth, ugly truth, much uglier than I thought. Yet it was there all along. I couldn't see it. That is the ugliest part about this whole situation.
That I have been a house slave serving on the tables of the royalty. Pimping out my intellect. Prostituting my soul.
Stolen sisters. My sisters. They stole them? Who stole them? Why? I replaced the word indigenous with the word Palestinian. I felt deep grief and layers of shame. Shame of my littleness, smallness, years of blindness. 16 years. It took me 16 years to realize enough and feel enough to write this. Stupidity?! My ignorance was part of the problem. did I have to get kicked around this much to reach this realization? Wow, the stupidity. The slowness! Almost funny!
No one talked to me. Except the little native boy Malik, I think that was his name. A little puppy was friendly too. I cant expect the natives to be friendly. I don't deserve their friendliness. I am an imposter. If i was not, someone would've smiled at me, I am an imposter on both, black and white, I am not as brown as I thought. I'm not black or white either, of course. I felt green, like a martian, blue like sadness, I was walking inside a living 3d puzzle that was setup long time ago. I felt very short. I felt comically alone, surrounded by ghosts... bodies... human bags..
material creatures that are all disconnected from me. I floated above the ground like the spirit of the freshly dead.
I wasn't white or brown or black. I was grey, i was indigo.

Feb 28 maybe

One of the mysteries of the universe

Is: when did you stop loving me?
How come we're total strangers now?

West Bank Stories update

Proof reading/ copy editing the book finished last week. It was done by a volunteer who likes to stay anonymous. He is a scholar who volunteered his time & energy and editing experience and did an excellent job. I am swimming in gratitude!
I have now a hard copy full of corrections that I am now entering into the document on my computer. The job requires tremendous focus. It hurts my back & shoulders but I'm learning so much. I need to remember to take breaks and stretch and breathe while doing this job. By the end of today, I should be halfway done. Once I'm finished. A couple more revisions are necessary. Then that's it. The book will be the ready for publishing. :) !

The entitled one

You have modes I just can't deal with. Not anymore
The entitled brat...
Perfection humanified..
Illusion of goodness..
Fake compassion..
Fake virtue..
Holier than thou, energy 'master'. Master of all..
Insightful wise ass...
You act with so much privilege, like you own the place, whatever place you're in, you think you have the right to anything and everything, to everyone and everywhere. You act like you still have much privilege. Maybe you think if you close your eyes then things will change back. Wake up an smell the shit. You lost your privilege and you'll lose more. Because the system gaveth and the system tooketh. The same system that gave you what you didn't deserve spitted you out of the circle of the privileged.
You are dreaming if you think I will allow you to get you power fix from me. No. You're not allowed to act like you own the world and me. You cant practice power over me, even if I cared for you, which I doubt. It is hard to tell when one is guarding against head games and power abuse.
You add resentment to my life. I can't deal with you.
I have allergies from you and all people who act with great entitlement.
Wake up or disappear. There is no third choice.

حكي وكتابة

مش جاي عبالي احكي انجليزي هالايام.
مش جاي عبالي احكي هالايام.
منيح. بكتب احسنلي من اني احكي.
الحكي بيوجع الزور.
الكتابة بتروِّق الراس.

لمّا بتنفس

لمّا بتنفَّس
بتخيَّل حالي مجرّة.
بتتمدد وبتتقلص
وبترجع تتمدد وتتقلص،
مثل القلب النابض.
كتله حياه شغالة عالنَفَس،
كمشة أضواء بتتراقص في الهوا.
بتصغر وبتكبر..
بتصغر وبتكبر..
وبتلالي
وبتلالي

ليش مش بالفصحى؟

من ناحية عيب، طبعا عيب! أكيد عيب وبلا شك عيب. لكن في برضه عندي وجهة نظر.
أنا بحترم وبعشق لغتي العربية الفصحى. لكن لأني عايشة في وسط انجليزي وما بتعرض لللغة العربية كتير، قدرتي اني اعبر بالفصحى ضعفت. بالاضافة الى ان اللغة العربية الفصحى ما عليها خطر. لكن الهوية الفلسطينية في خطر شديد. لذلك أنا لما أتحدث واكتب في هاي اللهجة الحلوة اللطيفة القريبة علي القلب أنا بدعِّم وبأكد الجانب الفلسطيني من هويتي الحضارية. وبحافظ على فلسطين في الحديث او المقال. اللغة العربية الفصحى ما عليها خطر. عملاق رائع من البلاغة والتراث ما بينخاف عليه. لكن فلسطين محتاجة تكون في البال على طول. عشان هيك بكتب باللغة العربية بس باللهجة الفلسطينية. 

الامل

أنا مين.. أنا مين؟

أنا اللي برقص في العتمة من سنين

روحي بتجتر الأمل

من غير ملل

بمضغه وببلعه

وبرُد استرجعه

وكمان مرة بعلكه

ولما بيمَرِّر

ببزقه

لما بيموت بدفنه

وبدموعي برويه

وفي خيالي برعاه

وبحميه

بيرُد يطلع من جديد

بحصده وبجمعه

مدمنه علي آلامل أنا

علي الأمل

أنا مدمنه

Self deceit and social change

Have you ever watched one of those American detective movies where the police spray a phosphoric material on the scene of the crime and then when they turn off the lights all blood traces that were invisible suddenly glow in the dark like a carnival? This is what happens when we focus the light of awareness on our own mind. We can detect traces of self deceit and personal bullshit.
The disease of power practice and abuse, the denial of privilege while practicing it. I see that all the time in others. How can I be sure I am not personally practicing it. What if I also have florescent blood on my own walls. could it be that my own floors are smeared with glow-in-the-dark blood ? Well whenever i spray the detector and turn off the light, i see it, it is there. My own 'whiteness' stares me in the face.
My own great grand father owned a black slave! He 'liberated' 'his' slave before he died. My Dad's grand father died in 1905 when my grandfather was still a child. He didn't free the slave because he thought slavery was wrong. He did it because the government commanded people to free their slaves. When Lincoln declared war against all those who keep slaves in all the world, the directive trickled down to people like my father's grandfather. He was forced to release 'his slave' out of fear of punishment.
I do not feel guilty because of what my 'great' grandfather did. I don't know the man. I do feel responsibility. I only recently realized this is Karma I hold and need to clean up. After educating myself about the matter and a lot of contemplation, I now know that some of the privilege I inherited was built on the pain of someone who my family owned like an object and used for free to do all the hard work. I inherited a better place in society and more advantages because of slavery! The ex-slaves did inherit land later when my father's tribe divided their tribal land among the individual tribe members. The now free slaves inherited as much as those who were not slaves. It is worth mentioning here that women didn't inherit anything. They were not allowed to inherit or expected to object to that. They were not allowed to inherit land in particular. The tribe gave land to their ex-slaves but not to their own daughters. Sexism is much stronger than racism. That is a conclusion I made a while ago.
I still hold this tribal Karma that needs cleaning. Most people do. We can clean it up by applying more awareness, making sure we don't use, abuse power and privilege that society gives us. This power is not real power. It is not my power or yours. It is power of injustice. It is not the kind of power that helps a person grow and become the best they can be. It is an illusion of power that is based on taking away the power of others. We can clear up our collective Karma by making a firm stand against injustice. We can make mindfulness, especially of power and privilege, a daily practice. We can turn action for social justice into an integrated and inseparable part of daily life and making sure that in our mind justice cant be divided. We can't demand equality for these people but not those, we can't fight for our own freedom yet ignore others who are oppressed directly or indirectly by us. An example is: some men who want to liberate Palestine from the Zionist control and abuse, yet are not willing to treat women as humans with equal rights. They don't want to give up their male privilege even if the price is Palestine! if they are equal to women then they will loose their privilege over half the people in this planet. that is a lot of fake power to give up.

Sometimes I catch myself being a hypocrite. I'd like to be hypocrisy free, I will eventually. I hope. It starts with awareness, being able to identify the hypocrisy is the first step to getting it out of my system. How do i deal with myself when i do catch myself doing it? I used to get all self righteous and sometimes angry at my imperfection. Now i laugh at myself yet still i try to analyze the conditions that lead to this and how to avoid this self deceit from happening in the future.
Today I caught myself being a hypocrite. I was thinking:' I need to shed a few kilos, i want to loose 0.5 kilos per day. I'm not eating today... I'll fast today! Yes, I'll fast in solidarity with the prisoners who are fasting in protest and those who are starving of hunger!' What? Did I just try to fool myself? I already decided to not eat for the purpose and with the motivation of loosing weight. Now I'm claiming I'm doing it as an act of solidarity with the oppressed, what a hypocrite! That's me 'wanting to feel good by convincing myself that I am more compassionate to others and selfless than I really am. Many people do what I caught myself doing here, act with selfish motivation yet pretend and even convince themselves they have another 'good' selfless motivation; They are contributing to justice and relieving suffering. This self deceit is a mechanism people use to ease their guilt that comes from feeling bad for not taking enough or real action, a way to avoid the inconvenience, effort and any negative consequences that we have to endure when we are involved in real action.
I laughed at myself. My privilege makes such deceit possible, I am not in prison , I am not starving, I have more choices than them. Unlike them, I can choose to eat or not to eat. In this case I tried to make myself feel good at their account, by lying to myself.
It is good I caught myself and that the idea of hunger reminded me of those with very little choices. I do have much less choices than many, but still, I have much more choices than many. Even though I'm not at the very bottom of the totem pole, I am still angry at the system we live in, and especially those on the very top. Those with the power and money to solve world hunger and war and make many diseases disappear yet choose not to do that, because their system is based on inequality, and they convinced themselves they are more special and deserving than the rest of humanity. The only ones ultimately served by the pyramid of power system are those on the top. At the corner stone. The very tip.. The creme de la creme.. The shit of the shit , Whatever happens beneath, they're fine. That's how they set things up. that's how they would like things to stay. But they can't, because change is the nature of things, part of life and being, no one can ever stop change.

Those in control don't want to give up power. Those not in control but have a little power also don't like to give up what little they have, no one wants to give up any power no matter how little. That's ironic because the system wouldn't exist if we are not invested in it. The game cannot go on if we get up and leave! . The system is a privilege system based on standards and rules that were decided in the past by rich white men. The system is owned and controlled by ruling elites and it oppress not only people of color, but now, the same people it claims to represent, the 'white' people in the west now has joined the suffering. The 99% toil and suffer so that the 1% can sit back on their lazy asses, pretend to be civilized and smart, hoard resources and drown their conscious & consciousness in luxury.
Why, then, won't the 99% get up and leave? Flip the table and the chips and the fake money and the whiskey drinks? Why does the system that serves only 1% continue to control, kill, starve, and hurt the 99% and they can't seem to change it? The 99% know who the 1% are, how come they still can't change things?
Can't or won't? There is different levels of investment in the idea of changing the system. Those with some money in the banks don't want the banks to disappear, those who are homeless or penniless are not attached to banks. Old systems aren't going away because we are attached to them somehow. Who is we? We here refers to the collective will of the people, those who come under the pyramid's corner stone. The 99% are not working together with the same goal, but the 1% are. An example is the police, they belong to the 99%, army too, many who belong to the 99% directly enforce the system, many help it, many buy into racism and don't want to give away the few perks that were bestowed on them by the system , they don't want to loose their place on the pyramid. They are invested in the pyramid system, then, and are deceiving themselves when they say they want change.
Each of us needs to take a deep real look in the mirror, a real deep look. and ask: Where is my social privilege, where is my fake power, who has is worse than me and why? Not only who has is better than me?, and why?.
Why do people suffer? because they belong to these not those, by birth, because suffering in this game of pyramid is dealt according to your position on the pyramid. If you're black, you will get a worse treatment than if you were white. I you were white you get white privilege, and if you are male, you get male privilege.
Are males ready to give up their male privilege? Are whites willing to give up their white privilege? Are those with investments willing to not get a return on their investment?
The current system will only evolve into something else if each of us examine their relation with our own power and privilege and how we exercise them, if we are serious about change. As parents, in relationships, at work, with people in our lives. With people who are not in our lives.
Open your mind and heart and know yourself. You might be one of those enabling oppression. If you are a male and don't know what male privilege is then how do you know you don't have it or practice it? How do you know if you are being a racist if you don't know what being a racist means? Wether you're white or not, if you don't know what white privilege is then don't expect yourself not have it, you are part of the system. Ignorance of your privilege is part of your privilege and role. If you live on the 10th floor doesn't that logically imply that there are 9 floors beneath you?
In the power pyramid system we live in, certain values are encouraged and spread throughout the empire, values that are programmed into people's mind using popular media, corrupt values that serve the rulers goal of : divide and conquer. These poisonous values are not part of human nature. They make people go crazy. They ensure people are separate and isolated and too afraid to trust other humans or try to connect with them on a deep level. They promote sex but spread ideas they invent like 'sibling rivalry', a competition they claim as natural between sisters and brothers. Mothers are aggravating and their visit is something undesirable when you are an adult, isn't that an image they present often as the 'norm', the 'standard'? maybe the Hollywood standard, but that is not the human standard. Another example is how suffering is treated like shame by popular culture; If you are suffering that means you are not in control, if you are you wouldn't be in pain. Either someone is causing you pain so that means you are weak, or you are causing pain to yourself, which means you are a looser, in both cases, you are still in pain which means you couldn't find or afford a treatment, it means you are a failure. This is what we are taught by the capitalist imperialist systems in power, pyramids within the big pyramid. Systems that were put in place by powerful white men who ruled and still rule our world and mentality. The system looks like a pyramid with a few hundred people on top floating above the system and above all rules, laws, or moral obligations. this gave them an illusion of being in control. But now that that too much shit has hit the fan, they are loosing control, everyone is affected, all humans, all creatures on earth, our environment condition is dangerously unhealthy. We're all in it together. All life on Earth is in danger now, including the power freaks sitting on top of their stupid pyramid.

It is the time to make a choice, our future will be the sum of our individual choices , our collective mind produces our collective future. We can each look at our role and place and start to untangle our selves, educate ourselves, listen, learn, act, stay honest especially with our self, learn to open our minds & hearts, and stay open, start building support systems to help those who decide to stop protecting and sustaining the current system. Instead of fighting what is here, we need to act with the future we want in mind. Instead of donating money for 'charity' we need to give love and time and attention. We need to give up fake power and share life and time and love with those underneath us in the social pyramid.
We also need to look at the past, not just the present. We are who we are now because of the past. we cant ignore what we inherited. Americans and Canadian 'white' individuals who are descendants of the 'pilgrims', 'pioneers', 'explorers' and settlers , cant ignore their ancestors and parents' contribution to the collective native indigenous peoples' pain body. Europeans who enslaved black Africans, and all those whose ancestors, including the Arabs, who enslaved and abused human beings, have a responsibility towards the descendants of victims of their ancestors, towards justice. If they reaped privileges that were built on injustice then how can they ignore their responsibility in healing that big wound. Men too have a responsibility towards females in the same way, human society is still built on the shoulders of women's free labor at homes. A lot of women serve men, children and take care of the elders for free. They get no benefits or insurance, they get few privileges, the have more respect than women who have no children or are unmarried. These are only a few, there are many more examples of injustice and people who need to step up and take responsibility.
There is no time for guilt, there is no value in guilt. Guilt should be very short, like a poke of a needle, a reminder that something should get done, when guilt becomes a permanent feeling it is only because what needs to be done is being ignored. Chronic guilt is a way to avoid action. Responsibility on the other hand is: responding with ability. It is charged with focused effective action. Without action, change will still happen, but not in the direction we desire.
There are consequences for ignorance, even if we don't know what they are. We will find out, eventually, maybe it will be too late to affect things. There are consequences for wearing rosy glasses and believing everything is pink. We need to get serious about saving ourselves and our planet. We are all in it as one. We cannot be really free if our minds are enslaved by ignorance and denial. We cannot really see if our vision is blinded by privilege and power. I wish that we all wake up and look at the mirror. I wish we all spray on the special glow-in-the-dark blood detection substance and turn off all sounds, turn off the lights and look inside.

Jan 6-2012