A crush

People like you intimidate me. 

Maybe that's why I had a crush on you. Because deep down I'm intimidated by you and want your acceptance. I subconsciously seek your approval. Not because I'm impressed by your behavior or your character. 

You don't treat me the way I need to be treated. You are moody. You give and withdraw as you please. You hold the strings. You keep the game in your hands. I am a mere receiver of your control. I hate that. 

This has nothing to do with my crush on you. My crush is a reaction to your sense of authority and entitlement. 

You're controlling. Too controlling. I can't handle that.. I feel used but can't push back. I feel disrespected but can't find the courage to tell you to stop. 

I have a strange relationship with authority and entitlement. I desire my oppressor sometimes. Maybe it's my subconscious need to dominate them emotionally or sexually. 

People like you make me realize my vulnerability and I find myself compromising my integrity and my values. I behave like immature teenagers. I hate it when I act like I'm not me. 

I have a strong feeling that I need to protect myself from you and people like you. People who are more than willing to use those around them. Who are woven of melodrama. Moody controlling little bullies.

I wanted you to love me so bad. But why? 

I need to be as far as possible from you. You bring out  in me something I don't like.

 I find myself  needing to protect myself from you. I need to avoid you. 

You accuse me of blaming and being judgmental when I question you. You snap at me. I can expect at any time a backlash. A fit of disrespect. I had to walk away and let you go.  I feel your lack of sincerity. You want my attention and don't mind my love. As long as you're in control and I'm following like a little puppy. 

No

June 3, 2013