Israeli young soldiers brought up a lot of different feelings in me , especially the women.
When i studied in Jordan i used to go back and forth in the holiday to the west bank, one of these times, i was in my 2nd year.
I took back my books with me, and i had photos, me and the girls partying in the student hostel. i remember that the soldier who searched me was a beautiful young man - an Israeli soldier- who was exactly my age, he saw my books and he was pleasantly surprised, he was too in his second year studying computers and he had the same books, i felt that he was in pain for having to be in theses positions, he looked at the pictures and i felt the way he was looking was so engaged, like we could be very good friends.
Later the books and pictures went to the room where ‘they’ go through every piece of paper. They gave me back my stuff after waiting for a couple of hours. They confiscated a couple of the pictures, ones we were having a birthday in one of the dorm rooms which had a map of Palestine on the wall - i felt sorry for them, they are scared of a picture on the wall in a picture, isn’t that sad? i imagine myself in their shoes, which is very hard. in the jissir i play in my mind with the idea that it could've been easily the other way around, i could be the one in the uniform, you know sometimes when i was a kid i used to wish i was on the other side, but then it wasn’t long before i realized i am so lucky that i am on this side. Imagine the amount of work they have to do to shut up their conscience and humanity, imagine the fear they feel.
Now the female soldiers, oh my god - the amount of complexities i had around that, fear, despise, jealousy, rage, i can name so many conflicting feelings - i cannot forget how bad they treated me (us). I think the scars from the humiliation and attempts to break our spirit are now part of my construction. My heart goes out to the people in Palestine - I sometimes used to feel like a coward because i am not there in solidarity., but my mom says that that is not fair thinking and that I might be more helpful to the cause by being in the west.
I never tried to think of things from their side- i was filled with hatred and resentment, i was convinced that they are just - by nature- are criminals and thieves. Recently - i decided to open up to the idea, that they are actually humans, and they have fears and issues. I think this is the only way to reconciliation. It took a lot of work to get to this point, but i think we need to get to it as a people. The truth is that we were conquered, we lost, we lost - they are here, they aren’t going to disappear in thin air. We aren’t going to throw them in the ocean. The only way out that i see is to reconciliate and share in a multicultural secular democratic Palestinian state, and that starts in our minds as an idea once we open ourselves - both sides - to our and their humanness.
Recently I’ve been challenging every idea and concept I’ve been brought up to believe, ownership of land, nationalities, religions, I listen to john Lennon’s 'Imagine' and i think, yes, that is the future i want to have - or work toward for my children - I don't think it doesn’t make sense. I don't think i am the only one who is thinking like that too. It is not easy to dare to dream that much, isn’t that funny how even we restrict our dreams because we get too attached to them. What if i was free to live in any country that i like , among any people that i like ? What if we finally admitted that us - as humans cant own the land, and that we , just like the animals and trees , belong to the land, loved , nourished and provided for by it.
Yesterday I spent Christmas with a Canadian family of a new friend, we ate dinner together and I felt their warmth and compassion.
They had other friends invited, this guy and his son, the man is in his seventies and the son in his thirties. Now the older guy is a Jew who went to Israel, in the fifties.
He told me horror stories of crimes that he saw with his own eyes, he told me how he personally met Sharon when he was a young general , and how he spoke in their kibbutz, he was bragging about wiping up an entire Arab village - men, women , children , houses, everything, and bragging how he covered for it. This guy - his name is David, told me that he never in his life felt sicker, especially that all his 'comrades' in the socialist kibbutz were cheering and clapping, that is when he decided to leave and 'get the hell out of that place' ever since he's been an activist especially for the Palestinian cause.
His son is an activist too, he fights for the trees, the environment, and the indigenous native Canadians. He actually refuses to identify as a Jew, he doesn’t believe it is a race and he doesn’t follow the Jewish religion so he refuses to identify as a Jew.
I find this story amazing. and by the way , David said that he would want to go and testify in the case they call for witnesses in the case against Sharon in Belgium
Later the bunch sang Christmas carols, they started with one called - little town of Bethlehem- i couldn’t hold myself, i wept hard. Imagine these Canadians singing to our little town, all the world singing for our town, yet the ghost of death is clouding its skies, despair and humiliation.
My friend’s grandmother, who is in her eighties, was explaining her theory about the 9-11 , that she believed it is the CIA or the American government that staged that. I felt that was very refreshing that grandma is so into politics
Many of the people in the room were also involved in one way or another into changing the reality that they didn’t like, very empowering. Really amazing people. I am so relieved that there are people here in the west who fight for what we hold dear and precious. I totally appreciate because unlike us - they can live and die without 'having to ' do that, but they do. I find that extra amazing
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